Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize