if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize