Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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