Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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