it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize