I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
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If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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