I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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