from now on my penis is your penis
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize