"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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