She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
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I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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