I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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