this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
that is very illegal...i love you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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