WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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