Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize