I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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