I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
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got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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