I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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