i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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