I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
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If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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