I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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