i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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