saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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