i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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