when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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