Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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