I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My life is pants optional.
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