The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize