listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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