You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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