Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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