My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
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the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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