I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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