my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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