I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is classic penis vs brain.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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