I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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