i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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