dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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