Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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