They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
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I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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