dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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