he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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