Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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