Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize