It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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