And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize