So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
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he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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