Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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