Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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