I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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