This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
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CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
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Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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